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empty words and false promises [Aug. 25th, 2011|02:54 am]
[emo |pissed offpissed off]

I can't believe I let you do this to me. fuck you. I wish I could put all my anger towards hating you but I can't, mostly I hate myself right now. I'm disgusted that you would treat me this way... no one deserves to be lied to and cheated on and used. I'm more mad at myself for not listening, not listening to all my friends who told me better and not listening to my instincts. Mad for letting you have that much power over me, to just say one word and I fall and kneel and listen to everything you say, and fucking believe everything you say. How stupid am I? Apparently really fucking dumb. 
I've never loved someone as much as you, I gave you everything, everything and you gave me shit. Maybe 2 years ago you gave me happiness, but how am I to know you were being truthful then? I don't, I never will, and I don't want to know, I'll take that time and cherish it because it was beautiful and I loved every minute of it. Which is probably why I let myself fall into this awful situation again. I wanted us to be that again, I wanted to be everything to you like we were to each other. But you gave me nothing, I know you're sick, I know it's hard, trust me I can't even begin to think of what you are going through but nothing gives you the right to treat me like this. If I were sick I know I would want the people who love me, and who I love most around me. I understand you didn't talk to your family, or to anyone much but I think I  would want my partner there... the person I said I wanted to spend forever with, get married to, and have a family with, I would want them there, every step of the way. Or at least for support, in whatever way I could get it... on the phone a few minutes everyday, a damn text message, anything. but no. you knew I was in this for the long haul, I was strong for you and you never gave anything to me. 
But no you used me, I helped you and you used me. All you wanted was to run me into the dirt and take everything I had. I saved for years, and now I'm nothing. Graduated from school with nothing to show for it. Still living at home, driving my parents car. Yeah, I'm a real winner. If only I didn't help you because you needed it. False promises and lies were all you told me. All while I'm sure you fucked someone behind my back. Least you could have done was be honest with me.

fuck you.

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posting this lame ass poem here cuz i have no where else to post it... [Jan. 23rd, 2010|01:28 am]
[Tags|, , , ]

idk why I wrote this.. just kinda came out I guess. It's been years since I've even attempted to write any kind of poetry, so this is truly terrible, so my apologies (for real not like anyone will read it) but regardless. My heart is broken, and I fear will forever remain this way. I was reading some crazy old posts on here from high school and wow.. if only I knew back then what heartache really felt like. LOL.. anyways........ horrible attempt at poetry incoming. fyi, I just kinda wrote it out, didn't really edit it or care about flow or anything. 

In an Instant

For the first time in my life I was complete when I was with you,
For the first time I knew what unconditional love was,
For the first time in my life I meant something to somebody.
My life, my heart, my will, is broken now that you’re gone.

I miss you so much,
You were my world, my everything.
There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for you,
There is nothing I wouldn’t (still) do for you.
You crushed my heart, smashed into a million pieces,
But I’m so blinded from love that I don’t care.
Just call my name and I’ll be there by your side.
I’ll fight for you.
Except you’re done, threw me out like it never mattered,
Replaced by something new.
Through it all, the pain and the sorrow, the tears I still cry,
I love you.
I’d swim through oceans for you, cross fires just to kiss you again.
In an instant my love.
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The past month. [Oct. 3rd, 2006|12:14 am]
[Current Location |My room]
[emo |sleepysleepy]
[the flow |"Distant Sun" - Lacuna Coil]

Since I haven't wrote in here for ages, I'd figure I'd at least update it with my previous entries [on Myspace] for the last month.. Mainly because a certain someone doesn't have myspace anymore and can't see them :p haha

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My love's like an arm chair
Current mood: sad

So, there's so much shit going on. BLAH. And most of it I can't talk about out of respect for those involved. (Only because I love them) haha.

What else. I honestly don't know. I've been really emo(tional) the last few days and I'm not too sure why. I thought it was p.m.s. but I'm not due for like another week, so maybe I'll be early or something =/ I'm lonely mostly.
I'm scared about meeting new people. I don't know why, that's weird for me.

I just don't know how and I'm not sure there is anyone in my classes that I want to know. But I need to. So.. yeah. I just wish I had more classes with Amber, I'm a lot more social with her and, yeah.. More outgoing. But oh well.

I need to do homework tomorrow. If any of you see me on remind me to do shit. To do list:
- Read A LOT of shit for Am. Gov by the 11th
- read a long (30 pg) chapter for Public Relations by wednesday
- do some shit for Spanish
- read 3 chapters and write a paper for speech by wednesday,
- and buy and read the Sunday Tribune for Com Seminar... AHHHHH

So much stuff.. haha. Although I can't really complain, it's not really all that much stuff, at least my classes won't require other hw besides reading normally. So that's cool. The end of the semester is when it will get busier.

I think Chrissy's mad at me :( And I don't know why. lame.

I don't really have all that much to write about. I wish I could write more. Its healthy. I really want to write poetry again but I don't really have any inspiration to do it.
If you're curious, my past poetry is at my Deviant Art.
I don't think anyone really looks at that though. :p haha

So, anyone in the NWI area know a good place to meet lesbians?? Cuz I need one. HaHa.

I miss someone that I shouldn't miss. lol. But, I'm not letting myself do it again, nope, I won't fall into that trap. Flirting is okay. Thats all.

Fucking regret.
Current mood: pissed off

Why didn't I do it?

I should've kissed her.

I hate myself for it. What would it change? I'd probably just be happier right now and not lonely. but NO. I'm a chicken and I couldn't do it...

I hate myself for it. :( And now there's nothing I can do. Nothing. We have no chance now because she doesn't want to take the risk (I don't blame her). I just should've done it. Fuck.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Why Meijers SUCKS ass.
Current mood: amused

so. Meijers sucks at life. In case you all didnt know that.
So tonight I went out with Liz (always fun because we're retards), but anyways. We went to Meijers so she could get a green pen... Yes, we went to Meijers (the stupid HUGE store) to get a damn pen.. anyways.

Firstly, it sucks because they have a deli/cafe at a 24 hour store that was CLOSED and Jen was HUNGRY. it was lame. and then they were out of cheese samples. WOW. so retarted.

Secondly, thier nintendo DS wasn't working right. Stupid MOFO touch screen didnt work, and it messed up my Brain Age score (I was trying to beat the D+ I got earlier in the night.. OKAY I was trying to beat Liz's C, but thats not the point) and yeah.. the touch screen didnt work right.

Thirdly, and THE most important reason is the fact that their stupid sticker machines DON'T WORK. you put in a quarter and nothing comes out. Not only does nothing come out, but there is NOWHERE for something to come out of. Yeah... we wasted like 50c on that piece to try and figure it out. I WANT MY DAMN MONEY BACK. Oh, and their crane game thing is rigged... the little claw is loose so it wont pick things up.

Yeah, SO moral of the story kids: don't go to Mejir because they are too big, too overpriced, and too cheap/retarted. Oh, AND their parking lot is way huge... is it ever full? It's like twice the size of the store. So yeah... any store that has its own gas station is just plain lame. But obviously entertaining enough to make fun of and get a whole blog devoted to it.

So yeah.
Oh I bought a webcam today... Fun times :P haha
I don't want to go to school tomorrow ethier... I don't think I wrote my paper thingy right =/ And I havent finished reading crap yet... oh well I'll do it tomorrow before class. Heh.. way to procrastinate Jen.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

It hurts?
Current mood: sad

Life sucks. I don't know. Nothing goes right for me, eh?
At least with love. FUCK love.. why not right?

I fail myself yet again... always bringing up false hope for me and shit and then BAM it breaks with like... what... three words? Whatever.. I want to give up on love. I just wish I was strong enough not to start to like anyone. Its retarted.

Yeah, I knew shit wouldn't happen, but I gave myself hope. I guess I need to listen to my friends more, eh?

Yeah... you were right guys, I'll say it.

I don't want to fall in love anymore.

I'm happy for them though. and this won't ruin our friendship. It just sucks.

THE FLOOD had pictures, but if you wanna see them go here: http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v502/jumper_jax/Flood/
Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Flood

I have to talk about this, how can I not?
My town (Griffith) and the neighboring town (Highland) were declared disaster areas for the state. Some have called this NW Indiana's Katrina. It's crazy.
Nearly 1000 homes severly damaged... like 20 collapsed foundations. It's insane. The schools were closed because they were flooded (one ankle deep) and people were evacuating by boat.

I woke up Wednesday morning to get ready to go to PUC for school, little did I know that my street was under nearly two feet of water, not just regular water ethier, it was sewage water... Needless to say I couldn't go to school and missed a couple quizzes. =/

Well, that was the least of my worries. I live by Cady Ditch, in one of the deepest parts of my town. We got a lot of water. My family was lucky though, our house didn't flood. We're toward the middle of my street so a bulk of the water didn't come to us. My neighbors down the street with basements were screwed though. I think they got like 4 ft of water down there.

Some people's basements were flooded all the way to the next floor. It's insane. Griffith is by far worse off than Highland. everyone in Griffith experienced some type of the flood, Highland didn't.

I managed to get some pictures of my street (Glenwood) by the end of the day the water was nearly 5 ft from our front door.. Thank God the ditch didn't overflow by me (it was about 3 inches from it though).

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

Blah. PMS makes me emo. and emo makes me want to write, so I'm sorry to those reading this.
I'm fine. I promise.
Just lonely again. I don't know how to stop myself, you know? and its hard.. like, why does it take something else to make me realize I like someone so much.. after its too late? I don't know. I can't say that a relationship with said person would even work. oh well, whatever. doesn't matter anymore anyways, they're taken.
Its so hard to find someone. Why can't I just find someone close to me? Why's it so hard??

Maybe I should go straight. That'd make things easier. Fuck. I just want to be held when I'm sad, guys can do that, right? Gah whatever.

I just, don't want to fall in love again. I'm scared I think to let myself go like that again, really scared. It hurt so bad to get my heartbroken, and it was my own fault. I don't know. I want to fold up and not let anything in, at all. But I can't. at least I'm pretty much controlling myself from falling in love again. ahhh...

I'm going to shut up now. This blog makes no sense to me, and probably makes less sense to those reading it. ah..

Good news? I'm going to see Brand New and Dashboard Confessional in Oct.. that's exciting at least.

Edit: My bird just died.... wow. way to end the night, eh? ='(

Saturday, September 30, 2006

The pretty, pretty folks... West coast folks.
Current mood: tired

So today I went up to Chicago with my friend, we were supposed to be going to Navy Pier for Deal or No Deal auditions [not my choice...] but we ended up getting a little turned around and by the time we actually got there half of the streets were closed because of the Breast Cancer walk thingy.. THEN all of the parking garages and stuffs were full... lame-OH! So yeah, needless to say when we were actually able to park somewhere it was like.. 12 and pointless. We ended up just going to all these really expensive stores [also not my choice] and Amber bought a lot of stuffs.. or rather a little for a lot of $$ :p Then we went to Dick's Last Resort [I had a little to do with that choice] and it was good... then we went home.

Fun Times. It's awesome not having to rely on parents anymore.. I have to say that. =]

I'm uber tired and starting to get a little stressed about school.. Its like, I don't want to do the work, but I know I have to... I'll have my moments when I'm like... motivated and interested [like when I'm actually at school] but idk when it comes to doing homework and stugg I don't want to do it.. =/ Gr.. and now I have all these projects/papers to do and stuff and it sucks.

I'm at my sister's right now, and I'm uber bored.. So if anyone has aim or xfire msg me.. [pmsjumper on both] and I don't have any games, so it's even worse.. lol.

I'll stop rambling now, I don't think this blog was about much. haha.

P.S. What car cd player doesn't play burned cds?? My sister was told that if you try to play one it will mess up her car... weird or what?? It's a new car too.. I'm so confused.
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So much on my mind... [Aug. 28th, 2006|12:59 am]
[Current Location |my room]
[emo |nervousnervous]

Yeah so I started this blog and I closed it :( SO lame.

I have so much on my mind right now, it's crazy. Tomorrow is my first day of college, I'm so fucking nervous my stomach hurts. PUC hates me though, they deleted my classes, which wasn't my fault. First of all they said we had until the day classes started (28th) to pay but aparantly it was the 18th... Well they had me filling out all of this Financial Aid shit anyways. SO needless to say I have a new schedule and I go Mondays and Wednesdays from 2 - 9:30 pm..

And my classes are harder (American Gov, Spanish, Fundament of Speech, Intro to Public relations, and the seminar) so lame.. I'm so nervous.
I'm so scared about not knowing anyone. I know I'm social and stuff, but I am aparantly annoying, so I have to work on that. It's just terrifying not knowing anyone I haven't really felt like that in a LONG time... =/

And then there is all this stuff with Bravo that has me paranoid and uber depressed. I almost cried. It was hard not to. It's just scary and I don't want to be unhappy with Bravo and I don't want to have to quit :(

Then there is a girl (woot a girl!) haha.. no it's not happy woot. It's the girl I'm not supposed to like again. But I'm trying really hard not to. It's hard though having feelings for her already and then yeah... I don't know. I'll shut up. Nothing will ever happen with us again.. which sucks and yeah, I might want it to... but it won't. She doesn't and wouldn't want it so I guess I'm satisfied staying friends :) she knows how I feel so she can go from there. but yeah. Friends is good. =)
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- - Insert random emo, lonely, pity me title here - - [Aug. 19th, 2006|04:05 am]
[emo |sademo]

So yeah.. I'm crying right now. Why? Yeah.. I'm not too sure. I think its a mix of a lot of things. Everything's falling apart and comming together at the same time. It's so confusing.
I'm scared about the CS team.. we were all so tight and now none of them talk to me anymore.. I know I did something and I want to fix it.. I just don't know what I did. They were all I had left. And if we don't get sponsored for winter CPL I have to leave. And that makes me really sad. Competing and playing with them is like the best thing in my life right now. I'm not going to have the money to go cuz every penny I get is going to college because my parents are broke. :( I just want to fix things with them.. they are like my best friends... and I thought we were all tight, but I guess not. =/

Then there's that whole "relationship" thing. I don't like being alone.. and no matter how many people tell me I'm a "wonderful person" and I'll find someone, I don't believe them. I don't have any friends anymore. I've somehow fucked everything up with everyone somehow. I have like.. 3 people.. Not even. I have Kayla right now, which is awesome I'm so glad we're friends and that she'll listen to my emoness.. it means a lot. I just miss life. I miss love. I miss everything. and yeah.. this is one big bitch blog. So I'm sorry to whomever is reading it. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone to love me again... it's been what like... 8 months (not including the whole... kayla thing) and I haven't dated anyone?? Yeah... pretty pathetic, right?

You want to know what the fucked up thing is? there are like 3 guys that would go out with me. Yeah. too bad I'm not into guys, right? :(

ahh... so what is good... School is about to start. if that's good. lol. I'm currently majoring in Public Relations.. My PUC class schedule is: Tuesdays and Thursdays (starting at 9:30) Fundaments of Speech, ethics for professions, elementary psychology, and spanish 1, and on fridays at 10 I have freshman seminar in communications..

Lame, right?

ahh.... so anyone have any good remedies to cheer me up? haha..
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Paranoid... Help me? [Aug. 8th, 2006|01:12 am]
[Current Location |My room]
[emo |worriedworried]
[the flow |"Trains" - Porcupine Tree]

So, I'm at the point in my life where I don't know where I'm going. Or what's going to happen to me.. blah blah. Everyone goes through it. The stage where you transition from child to adult. Right now, for me I'm lost. I'm 19, I don't drive (I'm working on it.. BUT I have to get a new S.S. card, GR), I don't have a job (will be working on that soon too), I'm going to college but I'm not 100% what for, I don't have the money to go to school (neither do my parents) and I'm so unmotivated.
I don't know why ethier. I wish I was. I want to be, I just don't know how.

Wednesday I have orientation at Purdue Cal (or, PUC101). Which seems pretty pointless. It's 9am-4pm. I take my math placement exam, meet (in groups) with advisers, take tours, and schedule to make an appointment for registering classes. I'm pretty scared. My mom/stepdad are in financial ruin right now.. They're about to re-finance the house (and it was almost paid off) because we don't have money. We haven't been grocery shopping in months. Just milk, bread, and lunch meat. My mom owes me money. (roughly $70) because she wasn't able to pay for things. So pretty much they can't pay for shit for school. It all rests on my dad.. I'm not even sure how much he has saved atm. I can't register for Financial Aid because I couldn't fill out the FAFSA (although I tried, twice to get a PIN and they never sent it to me). I don't have a job atm so I don't know how I'd go about getting a loan.
I'm scared.

As for a major I'm still not sure. Pretty much for my whole high school career I wanted to do Journalism. This last year I realized that was more than likely hopeless. I'm not a great writer, and I don't enjoy it like I used to. [thank you Panther Press!] So then I thought Public Relations.. Dude, I'm not completley sure WHAT that is, but it involves speeches and I don't know how well I am with public speaking.. it scares me a bit. So then I thought graphic design because I've always been interested. But I'm not THAT creative, so I threw that idea away. Now I'm on to Marketing with maybe a minor in PR, and I'm not exactly sure what marketing entails ethier. I'm not that great at any one thing.. Liz has art, and she's amazing, Moda has pretty much everything, she can write, and she can act, she's set.. Mike has his party planning thing, which he's awesome at.. I don't have anything.
I like video games. and computers. but I don't have a mathematical mind so computer stuff is out.. Plus I don't know much.. And I know I can't design video games.

There's nothing left for me. I don't know what to do and it terrifies me.

I like to just fall into my whole of a shitful mess (my room) and play video games all day. That's the only thing that has gotten me anywhere. I love PMS, so much, and it's awesome but I don't know what kind of future I can hold with them.
Let's just say I'm not one of those "pretty girls" - I'm not saying I'm ugly, but I'm a little overweight.. and I don't wear makeup or anything. So I'm not they're "camera" girl. I like to play the games, but I'm not very good.

I just don't know what to do with life right now :(

I need to start driving.
ARGH why does that have to be so important?

*crawls back into my shell*
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2006|08:34 pm]
OKay, so I'm being emo and I was reading some of the entries from when I was with Kayla and wow..

I guess I do see how I pushed her away =( I'd give anything to go back and not say all that shit.. I mean, yeah it hurt like hell to know she was with someone else, but you'd think I could have at least enjoyed what we DID have, even if it wasn't much. It was still her, you know? and it's more than I have now. She was, and is, amazing. She's beautiful and she has so much to offer (she just doesn't realize it).

Every entry in here seems to be about Kayla in some way shape or form.. But then again, hasn't it always been about Kayla?

Kayla... if you read this.. I'm sorry for everything I did. I really am.
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MLG and Kayla.. [Jul. 22nd, 2006|08:13 pm]
[emo |depresseddepressed]

so I went up to MLG Chicago today with Liz. It was pretty cool, I've never been before. It was nice to meet all the girls I always play with. Let's see... there was Passion, LadyCroft, Vball, Jemini, Sheryl, Get girly, Pirate, Honey, Thana, and Kujo.. it was pretty cool.

Seeing Kayla though.. hanging out with her all day, idk it was a little hard I guess, especially since she's so much more beautiful in person, and pretty much it took all the willpower I have not to jump on her. Not that I would have because I seriously doubt she wanted me to. I guess it kinda sucks though because all of my feelings for her, everything I tried to forget came rushing back. And here I am, being the "emo kid" again. But she's happy in her life, with whatever she has and I'm glad for that. I just.. I don't know... I still care about her a lot I guess. She's beautiful. And I guess I just miss whatever it was we had =/ But you know, I'm notorious for fucking things up with every girl I meet. I don't feel good, I guess that's cuz I'm so close to tears =(

I'm lonely, I can't help it. I'm horrible at flirting (in person anyways) and I'm not attractive. Girls don't want me. No one does. and it's hard, especially since I throw myself out there a lot and I let my feelings go and I put my heart on the line. I can't help it, I want to stop but I can't.
I just want to be loved, and held..

Yeah, yeah.. I know, pity story again. Stfu Jen, I know. I can't help it though =(
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I did it yet again... [Jul. 14th, 2006|02:49 am]
[Current Location |my room]
[emo |depresseddepressed]
[the flow |Flee The Seen]

So I've been "interested" in this girl since before I was talking to Ash.. and I really liked her, she was amazing, she could make me smile, and she was beautiful - inside and out.. Well, she's pregnant.. Yeah.
That scared me a little bit so I started to back off, plus there was this whole thing with her ex. They weren't together, but it seemed like they were. IDK, they had a weird relationship i guess. So then I started to talk to ash because I was scared of starting anything with her..

Well, since the whole ash thing (she lied about her pics, blah blah) I started talking to Nikki again and I realized that her whole baby thing wasn't THAT big of a deal, it wasn't something that should stop me from liking someone, right? So I started to fall for her again... hard. Like, I seriously thought we had something, or we were going to have something. Apparantly I was wrong.

I basically fucked up because I pushed her away and hurt her. And I feel like an ass because of it. I really like her.. but now she's found someone else and couldn't care less about me.

it pisses me off though. Not at her, at me. I always do shit like this. I always end up pushing people away and I don't know why. I don't even realize I'm doing it until it's too late. And I always push the ones that should be closest to me away. Maybe that's why I can't find a relationship, or why no one wants to be with me. I wish I knew why I did it. =( I want to stop.

I don't want to feel completly alone anymore.
I want someone to hold me and love me.
and I want that to be her. I have for a long time.

But it's too late now, I don't get a second chance adn I don't get Nikki.

I guess I'm just waiting around to find someone who can be patient with me.. and not leave me stranded when I fuck up.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. ='(
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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2006|01:01 am]
Yup.. I did it =P I asked a really amazingly beautiful girl to be mine. And she said yes! :D haha..
She's pretty much as close to perfect as you can get =) And she plays CS! haha.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

mmmm... bEautiful <3

yay!! CPL in 2 hours.. oh god.. so much to do.. =/
lol, I like ash.. soo freaking much. Like, AHHHH!!
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